PARENTING HANDBOOK – DISCLAIMER & EXPERT PANEL

Please read carefully before using this handbook.

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1. Not Medical Advice

This handbook is not, nor is it intended to be, medical advice of any kind. (They made us say that. And we all know who “they” are.) If your child is experiencing an emergency or crisis, take them to the nearest hospital or call 911 immediately.

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2. An Organic Document

This is a living, organic guide. It will be changed and updated as the need arises, so check back periodically for revisions.

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3. Sources & Spirit

The material herein is based on historical events dating back millennia, blended with common sense and a generous measure of whimsy. We hope you find it beneficial.

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4. About Our Expert Panel

This handbook draws on the collective wisdom of a small, handpicked advisory group—individuals with decades of lived experience, cross-generational observation, and highly specialized expertise across folklore, psychology, and anomalous phenomena.

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Experts at a Glance

Expert	Role	Era Focus	Method	Key Subjects	Voice Style
Alistair G. Crowley	Traditional occult authority	Pre‑1947	Ritual, archive, magical current	Vampires, werewolves, witches	Aphoristic, antique, sardonic
Dr. Mariana Quill	Modern Fortean / field investigator	Post‑1947	Field investigation, data, folklore	UFOs, Bigfoot, cryptids	Hedged, dry, precise
Dr. Josobelle “JJ” Jung, PhD	Child psychologist (Jungian)	All eras (developmental)	Clinical interpretation, archetypal analysis	Children’s legends, collective unconscious, synchronicity	Warm, clinical, playful

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Full Biographies

Alistair G. Crowley

Alistair G. Crowley—the “G” standing for the 7th letter, resonant with Liber 777—is the grand‑nephew and suppressed‑branch heir to the infamous Aleister Crowley. Born in 1928, he is now reclusive, living in the Scottish Hebrides with no phone, reachable only via solicitor. His expertise spans ceremonial magic, Thelema, pre‑1947 occult currents, and he serves as custodian of unpublished Crowley archives.

Sardonic, impatient, and aphoristic, he offers this guiding principle:

“The profane believe knowledge is a ladder. The wise know it is a locked room. I do not give you the key. I tell you where the door hides.”

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Dr. Mariana Quill

Dr. Mariana Quill (never “Mari” professionally) was born in 1955 in Oregon. She earned her Ph.D. in Folklore & Mythology from UCLA in 1983. Now semi‑retired, she lives in a converted fire lookout tower on the Olympic Peninsula. Her expertise includes UFO trace evidence and radar analysis, Bigfoot footprint casts and hair samples, and modern cryptid investigation.

Dry, patient, cynical, and data‑driven, her credo:

“I don’t need to know what it is to know that something happened. The footprint doesn’t lie. The interpretation might.”

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Dr. Josobelle “JJ” Jung, PhD

Dr. Josobelle Jung—patients call her Dr. JJ—is a licensed clinical psychologist (not a psychiatrist; she does not discuss medication). Born circa 1964 (she is intentionally vague on the year), she maintains a private practice with no university or hospital affiliation and no web presence. Her expertise lies in the collective unconscious in children and how ancient legends and current folklore serve as archetypal mirrors. She corresponded with Alistair Crowley during her dissertation research and remains in contact with him.

Doctoral dissertation: “The Monster Translates: Archetypal Mirrors and the Collective Unconscious in Latency-Age Children” (held in private archive; not for public review).

Warm, calm, playful, and non‑pathologising, she offers this insight:

“A child does not invent a monster. They translate one. Our job is to learn the language before we try to cure the grammar.”

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Relationships Among the Experts

• Crowley ↔ Dr. JJ: Long‑time correspondents. They share mutual respect and engage in friendly disagreement over the internal vs. external reality of archetypes.
• Crowley ↔ Quill: Correspondents since 1998. He provides historical patterns; she provides field data. They have never met in person.
• Quill ↔ Dr. JJ: Not yet met. Crowley is orchestrating an arcane introduction—via a shared case file or synchronicity.

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5. A Note on Finding Our Experts

These individuals are intentionally impossible to locate. Please do not Google them, search social media, or attempt any form of digital detective work—you will only be disappointed. They value their privacy and the secrecy of their methods immensely. We ask that you respect their anonymity and trust the material they have helped create, rather than the names behind it.

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6. Keep Out of Reach of Children

Children are cleverer than we might think. If they get their hands on this book, they may sort through it and uncover a condition that—come next Wednesday—could conveniently excuse them from their math test. Store accordingly.

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7. For External Use Only

For external use only. Do not attempt to administer this book orally, intravenously, or by any other method not expressly approved by the author.

This handbook will not:

• Make you look younger or older, or change your appearance in any way
• Reduce hair loss, prevent dandruff, or address any other cosmetic concerns
• Provide fashion advice — though if your child insists on wearing a cape, we recommend pairing it with something practical: perhaps a good pair of trousers. And don’t forget the shoes. But make sure they’re in good shape and well maintained (it wouldn’t do to ruffle the feathers of the elves, brownies, and otherworldly cobblers who keep the mystical shoe trade alive — for without them, where would we be? Shoeless, most likely).
• Cure any ailment, real, imagined, magical, or mystical
• Replace actual medical care, therapy, common sense, or good old-fashioned home remedies
• Turn your child into a werewolf, vampire, or fairy godparent — no matter how compelling the chapter may be, and no matter what a good idea it might seem like in the heat of the moment
• Guarantee that your child will eat their vegetables, do their homework, or stop asking “why” at dinner

Results may vary. Most results will be exactly what you’d expect. Some results will surprise you. We cannot predict which.

If you experience any unexpected side effects — such as a sudden urge to leave out milk for fairies, a newfound respect for the Loch Ness Monster, or the inexplicable desire to name your pet (or familiar) after a cryptid — please consult the appropriate chapter. Or a therapist. Or both.

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Last updated: August 12, 2026